Monday, June 30, 2014


There are two things worse than being unemployed: being diagnosed with a terminal disease and losing a close friend or family member.  I'm lucky to say that myself and those around me are healthy, at least physically.  Mentally I could use a little help...

I'm somewhat of an expert in being unemployed.  There was that whole time when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life so I was more looking for temporary jobs than real ones (mostly because no one would offer me a real one with an out-of-date advertising degree and a law license in another state), then there's now - the "post-graduate-school-job-search" unemployment.  My daily life is spent on the computer, filling out form after form of shit that is on the resume I uploaded but the company wants me to take the time to fill it out AGAIN.  It is not a good life.  It is a shitty, shitty life where you have to ask other people for money (my parents) and generally feel terrible about how much of a complete failure you have become.

So to make my life a tiny bit less shitty, let's agree that we should not ask the following questions:
"So, how's the job search going?" - Um, fucking terrible, thank you for asking.  I literally have nothing in my life but searching for jobs, asking for jobs, or talking about jobs I'm applying for, so if I don't bring it up, it's probably NOT GOING TOO WELL.  People like to share good news.  I am one of those people.  When I get an interview, since it's such a rare occasion, I blast that news all over social media and hire a plane to fly a banner.  So if I don't bring up some lovely tidbit about how I got a lead on a job or had an interview or someone called me, ASSUME IT'S NOT GOING WELL.

"Have you heard from Company X?"  Once again, do you think I'd keep it from you if I'd just been hired?  NO.  I would probably incite a riot with glitter and unicorns and trombones so that the entire city of LA would know I was newly employed with Company X.  OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION, I GOT A JOB, SINCE I'VE BEEN SO BUSY NOT HAVING ONE FOR SO LONG.  If I haven't said anything, the answer is NO, I haven't heard, or worse, they rejected me.  Thanks for bringing that up.

"Have you tried, like, Starbucks?" Have you tried sticking your thumb up your ass?  I'm sorry, but I just spent a fuckton of money to change careers so I think I'm going to stick to that area, thanks.  And for the record, before I went back to school I DID apply to Starbucks, and they wanted nothing to do with me.  I just added more education and backed myself into a seriously overqualified corner, I don't think this new degree is what I was missing when they didn't hire me the first time.

"You should go use your career services office.  It's part of what you paid for."  You are correct on the second part, I DID pay for it, and it's fucking worthless.  I might as well go throw my resumes off a building and hope one lands on a CEO's head.  The career services office may or may not have told me to "lower my expectations" and "take what I can get" when it came to internships, so I'd hate to see what they say about jobs.  I had 2 unpaid internships, I really can't lower my expectations any more than that, since slavery is illegal.  Whatever happened to "What are you interested in doing?  We have connections in that industry, here are some contacts"?  Also I have very little trust in you when you a) look 10 years younger than me and went straight into "career services" without having A CAREER and b) when you post "administrative assistant" jobs on the daily email to STUDENTS AND ALUMNI.  Hi, we went to school so we wouldn't HAVE to be administrative assistants, thanks.

"Why are you moving to THE VALLEY?"  Oh, I don't know, BECAUSE I'M FUCKING POOR??  Sure, the valley isn't on my list of "places I must live at one point in my life" but it's cheap, it's safe and it's surprisingly closer to my friends than Silverlake.  And when your landlord sells your building you don't have time to wait til you get a job to go apartment hunting in better neighborhoods, you just find what you can afford where you won't get shot and you take it. 

"Let me tell you about my recent vacation to Europe/the Caribbean/somewhere else you can't afford!"  NOPE.  Stop right there.  That's fantastic that mommy and daddy paid to send you on a nice vacation after graduation and you don't have any stress about finding a job because you can either live with them or they'll support you, but I'm fucking 32 and that shit doesn't happen anymore.  If you're my age and employed and taking a vacation, good for you, you deserve it.  You worked hard, saved money and vacation days and I'd be doing the same thing.  You're not who I'm talking to.  And if you just happen to have boatloads of money for whatever reason and go on vacations weekly and continuously post about it on facebook, I might just have to unfollow you.  And yes, I did go on a "bar trip" after law school, but it was entirely financed by my airline points and a gift of my parents hotel points.  That's right, COMPLETELY FREE (minus food/drink/entertainment), unless you count the $100 copay from the ambulance ride and emergency room visit.  So you can't call me out about being hypocritical on this one.

"Have you considered being a stripper?" Actually, yes, yes I have.  There are a few things that get in the way of that career path, however - my profound hatred for being nude and inability to conceal my disgust of gross humans.  That and I've been told that when I'm trying to be sexy, I look decidedly NOT sexy.  While I consider myself in somewhat better shape than Chris Farley, my being a stripper would be very similar to that SNL sketch with him and Patrick Swayze being Chippendales - and people aren't paying to laugh when they come to a strip club.

"Isn't it nice to have some time off?" Look, I enjoy the fact that I get to choose my wakeup time every morning, but when "time off" is your default and it's not PAID time off, then NO, IT'S NOT NICE.  It's not nice to spend every day on the computer searching for jobs, bothering your friends about potential openings at their company or paying for your gas in quarters.  No, I don't particularly like the free time I spend on the phone with this or that company asking why my car/insurance/cable payment is late.  And there's only so much time you can spend reading at Starbucks before you start to hate both reading and Starbucks.  And life.

"You should move home (with your parents)" a) where my parents live is not "home" - I have never lived there nor do I know a soul.  My home is here, and it is unfortunate that my parents don't live here, but they don't.  b) if I did move "home," what the hell would I do?  There are WAY fewer jobs in Columbia, Missouri, population 50-100k, than there are here in the greater Los Angeles area.  If I moved "home" I'd have to work at Applebees with a side gig at the Flying J truck stop down the road, or I could pretend the last four years of my life didn't exist and go be an attorney again in a place where I have no friends.  That worked out well the first 2 times.

"Don't you have money saved up?  Weren't you a lawyer?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH  go fuck yourself.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014


 A few days ago Huffington Post ran an article entitled "26 Reasons Not to Run a Marathon".  Although I haven't been as vocal about my extreme distaste for running in past blogs, I'm going to say it right now: I really fucking hate running.  And while I didn't necessarily need 26 reasons not to run a marathon because I wasn't wrestling with that decision in my mind (nor have I ever), I still read it, and it inspired me to put together my own list of why you should never run a marathon.

I've run races in the past - some 5ks, a 10k and a 12k - and when I say "run" I mean "walked up the hills and ran down them really fast to make up for walking."  My participation in said races was sometimes voluntary, sometimes not - in fact my first 5k I was told about when I arrived at the airport to visit my friend for the weekend and found I had unknowingly been signed up for competitive running, an activity in which I did not partake, competitively or not, at any point in my life.

Running is not fun.  Granted, this is coming from someone with asthma and the lung capacity of a squirrel, but seriously.  Other parts of my body don't like it either and they work just fine.  Yet for whatever reason, I've had a dysfunctional relationship with running where I try it, remember it sucks, stop, forget how much it sucks, decide "maybe it'll be easier this time," sign up for another (short) race, begin training for said race, remember "oh god, this is fucking torture," reluctantly run/walk the race and have momentary happiness at the end when I get a free tshirt and a medal as though I was a winner of some sort.  And I get really pissed if they don't have finishers medals for everyone, because what the hell did I get out of this if not some trophy that will jingle with all the others on my closet doorhandle for the rest of my young life?

I've heard people say after a race "I feel so great, I want to run a half marathon next!"  What?  I did a 10k and at the end I thought "I have no interest in ever running this far again, pretty sure I'll just stop here."

Running sucks.  Running 26 miles sucks SO MUCH that I can barely express how dumb it is, especially since we're not hunting buffalo within a 50-mile perimeter for survival anymore.  So below you will find my insightful and true facts about why you shouldn't run a marathon:

1)  I really shouldn't have to say this, but do you people know about the first "marathon?"  A guy had to run 26.2 miles from somewhere I should probably Wikipedia in Greece to a town called Marathon to deliver an important message, like a war was coming or the king died or there was an invasion of locusts, I don't fucking remember.  Anyway, when the guy reaches Marathon with his message, completing his journey, HE DIES.  He runs 26.2 miles and INSTANTLY DIES, because human beings are not meant to just fucking run and run and run and run.

So someone thought, "Hey, let's commemorate this historic moment by doing this thing that killed this guy."  Because we also have competitions commemorating the Titanic by intentionally sinking a ship and seeing who can get to the lifeboats and survive every year, so why not try this other thing that has NOT BEEN ACCOMPLISHED WITHOUT DEATH.

2)  It hurts.  Running hurts me after about 45 seconds, but running will hurt ANYONE who does it for 3-5 hours straight.  Your legs wish they were amputated, your lungs wish you would just take up smoking and your heart is just screaming "FUCK YOUUUUU" the entire time.  The HuffPost article even talks about how marathons INJURE YOUR HEART, which is probably what happened to the poor guy that is rolling in his grave because other idiots are doing what he gave his life for FOR FUN.

"Don't eat too much fat!  Don't eat too much salt!  Don't smoke!  It's bad for your heart!"  We haven't turned these things into competitions (ok, maybe the eating thing but everyone acknowledges that's a terrible idea), but let's go run so far we break our most important organ!

3)  YOU WILL NEVER WIN.  Ever.  No matter how many marathons you run, how fast you get, how much you train, you're not Kenyan (unless you are, in fact, Kenyan).  There is nothing you can do to become physically Kenyan even if you go take a citizenship test (which has not been proven to make you faster), so ladies and gentlemen, you will  never win a marathon.  Everyone knows only Kenyans win marathons, and I'm pretty sure their flag has a dude running on it (I have no fucking clue what the flag looks like).  So just give up.

4)  Any event where it is not only possible but acceptable to shit and piss in your pants has no place in mainstream civilization.  I have obviously not done it, but I've seen some YouTube videos that I can't unsee.  Oh, gotta go to the bathroom at some point during the running of 26 miles?  I can't bear to lose the precious minutes it might take to use a port-o-potty or at least a piece of foliage, so I'll just do it in my pants.  Voluntary pants-shitting is just not something I'm comfortable becoming a part of America - I've shit my pants and it was most DEFINITELY not voluntary, nor did it earn me anything other than an ambulance ride and a really embarrassing walk of shame through a nice hotel.  If people have to clean up feces off the street after an event it sure as hell better be a parade and the poo from horses, because people shitting in the street needs to stay in the movies with Maya Rudolph.

Ok, so I'm pretty sure I don't need 26 reasons not to run a marathon.  The first one should be pretty solid, and if you're not convinced, the second one should convince you.  And if someone tells you about something good about marathon running, ask them "When that happened was any part of your body in pain?"  They'll be lying if they say no.  Even a child has the wisdom to know that "that hurts" means "maybe I should stop doing that."  Apparently we lose that wisdom over time.