Friday, March 27, 2015


I have been a royally shitty blogger for a bit - I noticed I haven't posted anything in OVER A MONTH.  Dear lord.  I can attribute it to the fact that I've suddenly taken up cross stitching rap lyrics for fun and profit, and despite evidence saying women are natural multitaskers, I can't multitask for  shit.  I also frequently forget what I'm doing, or about to do, as this blog should have come weeks ago immediately following my friend's post over at This Fit Blonde. 

So Amanda, my completely insane yet awesome friend who runs FOR FUN and consequently made me run Ragnar for her bachelorette party (surely you remember my two-part tale of that adventure - Part I and Part II) decided to review running food - in particular something that goes by the incredibly creative name "Gu."

If it doesn't look offensive to you in the packaging, I'm sure it will once you attempt to take it out.  Gu is LITERALLY just flavored goo that you shoot into your mouth while running so that you can keep running further than a normal, healthy amount of energy would allow.

- apparently it makes you run fast.  Or something.  I haven't tried it because I would never voluntarily run long enough to need food and NOT STOP FOR FOOD.
- the packages are fun to play with before you open them, kinda like a stress ball - squishy and oddly shaped.

- I don't fucking run.  And when I was forced to, where the fuck was this shit?  She said it was pretty much pure sugar, which I REALLY could've used to attract bears or other carnivorous animals to eat me and put me out of my misery while stuck in Sonoma meth country.  I'd have covered myself in said goo, drawn a large gooey circle around myself and laid down in it awaiting certain death by a bear or mountain lion or gang of raccoons.  But I did not have any of this, I just had a cell phone that didn't work and a trail of my own tears.
- If I did run, the last thing I'd want to do at any point in said run would be shoot some artificially flavored "Espresso Love" down my throat (yes, innuendo intended) while STILL RUNNING.  "Hey, want to make this thing you hate even worse?  Here's something gross to put in your mouth!"

So, as obviously outlined above, I would NOT eat this.  Its only appropriate use is to lure animals into eating you, or perhaps getting in a really gross goo fight with a friend.  Also, likely most of those flavors look like poop.  The last thing I want to think about while eating is poop, especially if I'm running and likely HAVE TO poop, so no, these are just a big no.

During my unpleasant tenure as a Ragnar race participant, I ate a large variety of things.  I don't remember offhand much more than the burger that I kept burping up during my impromptu reenactment of the Temple of Doom, but the one greatest thing I ate during that whole race was the Klonopin I took immediately after removing my blood-stained shoes that allowed me to pass out for a really really ridiculously long time.

My recommendation: stop running, go get a steak, take a nap.  You do not need to eat Gu.