Wednesday, June 24, 2015


I have lived many places, with many different kinds of drivers - all of them bad, but in different ways.  Specifically Dallas and LA, likely because they're both ginormous cities that revolve around highways and poor public transit.  People in Dallas are aggressive and stupid - the kind of driving that leaves a 40 car pile-up in its wake and the driver has no idea because they're so oblivious.  People in LA fall into two different categories: assholes and pussies.

First let me comment on why I'm qualified to dissect and judge other people's driving habits: I'm a fucking fantastic driver.  In the 17 years (holy god, I've officially been driving longer than I HAVEN'T been driving, I'm so old) I've had a license, I've pretty much driven everything except an 18-wheeler. 

Most people learn to drive on their mom's Camry that's semi-old and kinda cushy, with easy steering, brakes and not a lot of extra thinking required.  I, however, learned to drive in a really large and horrifically unsafe steel box, otherwise known as this beautiful creature:

Yes, this was my first car.  A beautiful seafoam green 1966 Ford Mustang.  The amenities it came with were 1) being awesome, 2) factory AC (rare and wonderful for that time) and 3) doors.  It had no power steering or brakes, no airbags (which nearly sent my mom to the nuthouse) and at first, a very slow, weak engine with 170,000 miles on it. 

As a 100lb 16-year-old, I got quite a workout driving this thing.  To turn, I had to make approximately 60 complete rotations of the steering wheel, and to brake I had to anticipate things that might happen five minutes in advance while using all of my weight and both feet to bring the car to a screeching halt.  Needless to say, I had to be on my game.

Fast forward two years and I leave my beloved behind to go to school in LA with a new Beetle.  Being one of the only freshmen with a car, I quickly became the dorm taxi.  Basically when you land in LA and you've been driving for a year and a half, you're thrown into some crazy shit.  Six-lane freeways?  Yep.  Crazy assholes driving 80mph?  Yep.  So my survival instincts kicked in and within weeks I was a pro at driving like a west coast asshole, which became pretty funny when I moved back to Austin and scared people by changing lanes into a spot barely a car length long.

So at this point I've driven a car that I practically had to pedal and also driven in the craziest traffic city in the US. Let's up our game a bit here by getting a stick shift.  Yep, that's right, my next car was a manual (upon request, no less) Mercury Cougar that I had for seven years until random parts started falling off and I had to get something more "practical."

In recent months, I've also had some interesting driving experiences, which include driving a 12-passenger van on a one-lane road through the hills of Napa Valley, and doing it so well that I became the REQUESTED DRIVER.  Yes, that's right, people trusted my driving skills.  They even suggested I be a bus driver, which actually flattered me.

So you pretty much can't outdo me in knowing how to drive unless you're one of the boys I hung out with in college who had fast cars and taught me how to do such things as "apex a turn."

Alright, so here are my driving tips:


Seriously, going under the speed limit?  Not acceptable.  I have shit to do and places to be, so get the fuck out of my way.  If you don't know where you're going, TOO BAD, find a place to pull over but most definitely do not slow down to a crawl as you try to read the addresses on buildings while I desperately attempt to change lanes while people speed by.  Get out of the fast lane on the highway.  Just go ahead and don't even get on the highway if you can't fucking use it right.  And here's another tip - the speed limit is the flow of traffic, and if the flow of traffic is going 70, SPEED THE FUCK UP.  Can't handle it?  Take a bus.


USE. THEM.  I'm not kidding.  You will NEVER get over in front of me without signaling, I will make SURE.  One person at a time I'm slowly teaching the world to signal by NOT REWARDING BAD BEHAVIOR.  Going to turn right?  Well you're gonna get honked at like a mofo unless you have your signal on because it looks like you're about to just slow down and stop in the middle of the road.


Pretending you don't see that arrow that tells you the lane merges into one?  Nope, not gonna happen.  If I have to tie my bumper to the car in front of me by god you will not get in.  Getting over at the last second?  Nope.  My friends that I've never met and I are making a beautiful unbreakable chain of cars that you will not penetrate because you  DIDN'T WAIT YOUR TURN.  I love the camaraderie of joining together with strangers to screw over an asshole.  It just warms my little heart.


I'm going to say this once and only once: IF YOU HAVE NEVER LIVED IN A PLACE WHERE IT RAINED/SNOWED/HAD WEATHER AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH, JUST DON'T EVEN TRY TO DRIVE.  I had to learn how to drive in the snow on my first day of work when I moved to Kansas City.  Guess what?  I made it.  You assholes keep sliding off the road or going 2 mph or running into shit because water falls from the sky.  You don't deserve the privilege of driving.  Go home and let the big kids drive on rainy days.  You're a danger to yourself and others.


Guess what?  Sometimes we miss our exits on the highway.  It happens.  There's an easy solution that doesn't involve killing 7 people and stopping traffic for hours - TAKE THE NEXT EXIT AND TURN AROUND.  Wait, WHAT?  Yes, I said it's ok to take the NEXT EXIT.  If you're in the far left lane and have five lanes to cross to get to your exit in ten feet, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.  1) you should have been paying attention, so it's your own damn fault and 2) it's not like that 20-mile stretch in Louisiana on the 10 where you literally cannot exit because you're 20 feet above a swamp and are likely to get eaten by a gator - there's another exit in ONE MILE.  Jesus people, COMMON SENSE.  And I know half of you use GPS - SIRI WILL REROUTE YOU.  I PROMISE.

So pretty much everyone on the road falls into one of these categories, which means that everyone needs to go practice in a parking lot until you can fucking handle yourself and your giant torpedo of death.  Now let me drive JUST ONCE without having to curse you out.

Monday, June 8, 2015


I seriously cannot fucking take it anymore.  I'm friends with some very educated people on Facebook and in real life, and even though they can speak three languages and build robots, THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH GRAMMAR.  You know, that language you were RAISED SPEAKING??  I see the same damn mistakes all the time, and I honestly want to know why I was the ONLY ONE listening in class that day, because some of you fuckers were IN CLASS WITH ME.

Here are the most common offenses - once you're done reading this your life will be changed forever because you'll magically know how to speak.

1. POSTING PHOTOS.  "Mom and I at the beach"

NO NO NO NO.  I know that whatever grade we were in when we learned to say "and I" made it seem like it's ALWAYS "and I," but NEWSFLASH: IT'S NOT.  In fact, the MAJORITY of the time it's not.  Sometimes "and me" is correct.  I know, it hurts to say that, BUT IT'S TRUE.

CORRECT ANSWER:  "Mom and ME at the beach."  How did I come to that conclusion?  Easy.  What would it be if you were at the beach alone?  "Me at the beach."  What about your mom alone?  "Mom at the beach."  It would never be "I at the beach," so why is it suddenly "Mom and I at the beach?"  You're making this too hard. 

Always ask yourself: What if I was a lonely loser (which you will be if you keep up that goddamned grammar)?  What if it was JUST ME in this picture?  Keyword: ME

Other wrong photo titles: "John and I with a celebrity"  "My sister and I at Christmas"  Or perhaps you're posting something that you share ownership of - I see this one a lot too:  "Brad and I's new dog!"

NO.  Stop. Think.  SEPARATE.  "Brad's new dog."  "My new dog."  "BRAD'S AND MY NEW DOG." IT IS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD, ASSHATS.

2. APOSTROPHE ABUSE.  "Skirt's for $10!"

When I say "dog's," what do you think of?  If you think of MANY DOGS, please go hit yourself in the face with a metal pan.  You should think, "the dog's WHAT? What belongs to the dog?" because that, my friends, is what apostrophes are for.  Not "that's what apostrophe's are for," you stupid fucks.

Pretend we're in a war and our ammunition is made out of apostrophes. Now RATION THAT SHIT and think "WHOA, hold up now, do I REALLY need to use a valuable apostrophe in this situation?"  The answer is almost always NO.

But Grammar Goddess, WHEN DO I get to use apostrophes??

I'm glad you asked.  Does something in the sentence BELONG TO ANYONE mentioned in the sentence?  Does your mom have tomatoes?  Then they are "your mom's tomatoes."  Does anything belong TO THE TOMATOES?  NO, because tomatoes are inanimate objects, you jackass.  Therefore, your mom gets an apostrophe and the tomatoes do NOT.

RIGHT:  "My aunt's house"   WRONG: "All of my aunt's will be there"
RIGHT: ****I'm looking at YOU, Chipotle on Figueroa and Jefferson**** "Choose your greens!"  WRONG:  "Choose your green's!"

Also, on a side note, when engraving gifts for a wedding, REMEMBER THE APOSTROPHE RULE.  Jim and Jane are "The Smiths," not "The Smith's."  Jim and Jane live in "The Smiths' House," NOT "The Smith's House."  The latter implies that they're already living separately, do you really want to do that to a marriage before it's begun?!?!

3.  LESS AND FEWER  "15 items or less!"

There is one beautiful store that has a "15 items or FEWER" sign and I can't remember off the top of my head, but I wanted to write the management a beautiful thank you card for FINALLY getting it right.  This one is trickier, so here is a correct usage of BOTH:

"There is LESS coffee in my cup than there was an hour ago."
"There are FEWER cookies than there were an hour ago."

Here's the trick: CAN YOU COUNT IT?  In the first one, can you count coffee?  Not CUPS of coffee, but just COFFEE?  Would you say "there are three coffees in my cup?"  Nope.  You cannot count coffee itself.  If you CANNOT COUNT IT, the proper word is LESS.  Less sugar.  Less pink.  Less painful.

Can you count cookies?  YES YOU CAN.  Would you say "I have three cookies?"  YES YOU WOULD.  If you CAN COUNT IT, it's FEWER.  Fewer cats.  Fewer clowns.  Fewer items.

DO YOU GET IT NOW?  There cannot be "two less" - it's "two fewer."  There cannot be "a little bit fewer" - it's "a little bit less."

Now go, use this new education to brighten the world, teach your kids the right way to speak and write, and for god's sake always use it around me at least.