Wednesday, February 17, 2016


I've been watching the Bachelor since the beginning of this season. I can't stop. It's like a train wreck. I'd never really watched it before, with the exception a few episodes here and there over the course of the entire tenure of the show, but I had no idea how addicting it could be.

I can't decide if I would be terrible on the show or the one the producers keep around because I provide endless entertainment. It's come to my attention that either these girls don't curse, or they just cut all of that out, because there are no bleeps. Who doesn't curse? That's very suspect. I don't trust people who don't curse. But then again, I don't really trust people who go on a TV show to actually legitimately find love. Also I don't have long brown/blonde ombre hair with loose waves that always looks the same, so I'd stand out immediately.

(Disclosure: I once may or may not have applied to be on the Bachelor, shortly off a bad breakup and just for amusement. I'm not sure if I was rejected because my job title was "attorney" and not "cosmetologist" or "twin," or some other reason, but I'm pretty sure that what got me on Wipeout was exactly the thing that made the Bachelor not interested. I was kind of relieved when they didn't call me.)

Now that I've actually watched most of a season of the show, I know I would be a hilarious disaster. Assuming someone as dull as Ben would keep me around this long, which is highly unlikely as I tend to terrify people who have very little personality, my reactions to these dates and questions would be SIGNIFICANTLY different.

In last night's episode, that I watch a day late on Hulu solely to spite Time Warner Cable, Boring Ben takes the remaining ladies to his hometown of Warsaw, Indiana. The girls think it's adorable how much he loves this tiny town, but I find it absolutely terrifying. Sure, the trees are pretty and fall-colored, and I assume it would be a pleasant place to stay for a  night on a road trip, but to live there? Sweet mother of god, no.

The first "date" he took the girl on a tour of his town, talking about his high school and how he was quarterback, blah blah blah. Oh great, a guy who's still living the high school hometown dream? My absolute nightmare. High school wasn't bad, but for the love of god, grow up and have some adult accomplishments.

"And that's my church."
"Ohhhhh, yeah, this probably isn't going to work out..."

After the tour that showed you how boring your life would be if you moved "home" with Ben after the show, he took the girl to a gym FILLED with children. Like 50 of them. Hold up, I think you made some mistake, we're supposed to be on a date and you've taken me to a fucking day care. I think I'm going to go take a nice walk among the fall trees that I'll never see again since I'm obviously not marrying someone who wants to hang out with a small army of children.

"I really loved working here with the kids in the after school program, it made me really love working with children."

NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE. Not only do I not want to have YOUR kid, I sure as hell don't want to hang out with an entire school full of them for no monetary compensation. I don't even want to do it FOR money, but that's likely the only way to persuade me. Well, maybe for that giant plush donut Ben won at the "town fair" later in the show. I would freakin love a giant plush donut.

Also WHY DO ALL THESE PEOPLE KNOW HIM? How can a town be that small?? And how creepy is it that everywhere he takes girls on dates there are at least 20 people he knows that are watching him like a hawk both because a) he's the most "famous" person they've ever seen and b) because they're trying to get on national TV?  GO AWAY. YOU'RE CREEPING ME OUT.

It's also concerning that most of these girls are under 25. There's a VERY small percentage of my friends who married before 25 that are still married. The Bachelor is basically where relatively attractive, uninteresting people can have a "starter marriage." Also, he's NEVER seen them without PROFESSIONAL hair and makeup. He doesn't even know if they can put on their own makeup without looking like a drag queen. Or maybe they always wear sweatpants. THE WHOLE THING IS A LIE.

But I think we all knew that. Except maybe the people on the show. If nothing else, they're all equally boring, so neither Ben nor his first wife will be disappointed in their (lack of) conversation. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go read my Winston Churchill biography so I can gain back all the brain cells I just lost.